the not-so-everyday

First Steps, Hitting ‘Publish’ and Feeling Like I’m Gonna Be Sick

This morning I made a big jump to reach a pretty big goal that I have. Actually, two big goals. I’m going to be annoyingly vague about all of it because this website has my name on it and I get to make the decisions about what I type and what I don’t, but just trust me on this. For now.

After I had done ‘the thing that shall not be named yet’ I felt like puking. I told Abby this very feeling as she sat down next to me at the kitchen table.

“Go puke.” she said. “And then leave it and move on.”

We’re super poetic in this family. But that was the advice I needed. Even if I really didn’t actually puke. You’re welcome.

I am never going to feel ready. I am never going to feel qualified. I am never going to have enough resources or education or experience for me to feel comfortable stepping out in faith. And in the next few months, I will be take some big steps closer to several different goals and dreams and big steps…and I’m going to need to get used to the idea of feeling like I need to puke.

Two years ago this month, I took a pretty giant leap of faith when I quit my job. Leaving behind a stable income and benefits was “make you want to puke” difficult but it was absolutely the right thing to do for my family, for my faith…for my life. I’m not always very good at listening to God…listening to my gut instincts. Actually, that’s not true. I’m good at hearing. I’m not good at doing. I often let the fear of striking out keep me out of the game. Or another equally cheesy saying or quote that I can butcher. But I can’t even begin to tell you how important the past two years have been. For me. My faith. My family. My marriage. My children…even the one off at college and never home. None of this has been particularly easy. At all. But the blessings and the glimpses of how far we’ve all come take turns blowing my mind. In a good way.

You would think that this example of leaping would help me in future leaps. But life and events and other people can take hefty swipes at all that you’re trying to do while leaping and, you know what? Sometimes they make contact and it knocks you down. And then you realize that you’re playing it safe on solid ground a lot longer than you should because falling down hurts. It hurts and it’s super embarrassing.

So here I am, publicly admitting that I’ve been stumbling along this semblance of solid ground because my bruised ego led me to believe it was the safest place for me to be. Deep down, I know God made me for more. Deep down, I know that I’ve been hiding and filling my time with things that take me away from all the leaping I should be doing. As ridiculous at it may sound, forcing myself to hit publish on this actually makes me as ill as it did this morning doing something much more difficult. It’s amazing how hard things can be when you let fears and lies occupy space in your brain.

I’ve spent a lot of time getting in my own way. I’ve asked myself to stop doing that. I hope I listen. And I hope I remember that God can do anything.

Even with someone like me. The non-flyer with stomach issues.


beach, muir beach, ocean, pacific ocean, california, california coast, leap of faith, faith, trusting God

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